Lonely.

I get lonely quite a lot nowadays. I actually have no idea why. I've always been quite independent, and yet now I need people around me more than ever. I guess quite a few factors have contributed to this - Rosie's death, mine and Alex's break-up, the transition to a new church, the second year of uni, financial struggles, unemployment. Quite manageable things, I know, but they hit me hard and fast over a short period of time, and I'm still reeling from it all.

I mean, Rosie's funeral was, in a way, quite a good thing. Sounds strange to say, but the fact is it gave me closure. When I left Newent School, I deleted many of my schoolfriends from Facebook and the like, because I wanted to have as few reasons as possible to return to Gloucester - I wanted a new start and a clean break from everything. Of course, there were still people from school that I kept - my social group for example, and a few others that I got on well with, Rosie included, but aside from that everyone went. I felt that I had been seen as an easy target by quite a lot of them, and I didn't want them in my life any more. Sounds fair enough. Rosie's funeral allowed me to draw a line under Newent School and properly move on - her connections with the school meant that there was always a link. I would like to stress NOW that I am NOT saying that Rosie passing away was a good thing and that I was waiting for it to happen so I could break away completely - I was as upset as everyone for I had always hoped she would beat cancer. I just went to the funeral for her sake and her sake alone - I'm above everything else. Some may call this arrogance; I call it looking out for No.1 and making my life better.

I guess I'm also worried about the new Freshers in Drama Society. I've always been a worrier, for everyone other than myself usually. However, the strong characters involved this year have made me question my acting ability a huge amount and whether I'm really doing the right thing by trying to make a career from Drama, I just seem substandard. Having said that, this year is crucial - a lot of training in lessons and other productions will show me for sure. I'm also giving directing a go too - see if that's a good move. By the way, in relation to Drama Society, congratulations to Huw Tindall-Jones for being appointed Vice President: you deserved it mate.

Talking of productions, I really hope John Reid, one of our senior lecturers gets his act together and releases the cast list for 'Spring Awakening'. I want a really good role. If I don't, there's at least two other things to audition for: 'Sixteen' by Scott Fraser and 'Punk Rock' by Caroline Hadley. As for Armistice, I'll release details of that when everything's cast and sorted. Which reminds me - I need to send my cast off, first directing piece in that showcase.

Has anyone been watching The Fades? It's been gripping! It's about this guy who has the ability to see the dead who haven't been able to leave this world peacefully (known as The Fades) and some of them are attacking humans and killing them. And there's this groups known as The Angelics who are out to stop this. In the last episode, this guy died and came back to life through some random voodoo and his twin sister. Was amazing. Also, Fresh Meat on Channel 4 has been great too. It's literally The Inbetweeners at university, so funny.

Couple of gigs coming up I hope to go to - Opeth in November and Mastodon in February. I badly wanna see Rammstein again though, but Birmingham's sold out :(. I DID see them twice in 6 months last year, so I'll have to be content with that I guess: the singer wants to retire at 50, and that's 2013, so I'm pretty sure I'll never see them again.

The Macarena just came on my iTunes - I'm so cool.

Writing this has really helped my loneliness - I've got a lot off my chest. I don't know if anyone will see or read this, but if you do, thank you - it means a lot.

Laters xx

P.S. Cutting back on smoking is going well - I even turned down going out for one earlier today! Sadly, my chest is quite bad still. Won't stop me going out tomorrow night though!